INFERNO (1997) Review

TODAY'S BARGAIN: INFERNO (1997) - Standalone DVD
PRICE: $2

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray
Written by: Sean O'Bannon
Starring: Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Evan Lurie, Rick Hill, Jillian Kesner, Tane McClure

Brace yourself. Seriously. Are you ready for this? INFERNO (aka OPERATION COBRA) is a 90s martial arts / action flick filmed entirely in India, directed by Fred Olen Ray (HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS), written by Sean O'Bannon (INVISIBLE MOM II) and produced by the one and only Roger Corman. It also stars Don 'The Dragon' Wilson (BLOODFIST I-VIII) and Evan Lurie (CYBORG III: THE RECYCLER).What a fucking combo. Surely the talented people behind such instant classics like TEENAGE CAVEGIRL, MAXIMUM REVENGE and TARZEENA: JIGGLE IN THE JUNGLE can pull of something special. Special or absolutely shit, either way I'm sure it will give me plenty to talk about.

Interpol agent Kyle Connors (Wilson) and his partner are hot on the trail of big-time criminal Johan Davaad (Lurie) who has stolen a disc containing powerful encryption software and planted a bomb in a museum. Why is he bombing a museum? Who the fuck knows, I sure don't and I'm not even sure the filmmakers do either. While disarming the bomb it explodes, killing Connors' partner and allowing Davaad to escape.
Back at the police station Connors' is told that he's been taken off the case and that he should probably take a vacation for a week or so. Refusing to give up on the case he takes his 'vacation' in India where he has located Davaad. With the help of a bumbling Indian police cadet he manages to track down Davaad and sleeps with a bunch of women along the way, just because.

I must admit I'm not all that familiar with Don Wilson's filmography apart from the first couple of BLOODFIST instalments but I always had the idea that the 'Dragon' part of his name probably isn't justified. INFERNO reinforces that feeling because in it Wilson's martial arts arsenal seems to consist only of a few high kicks, roundhouses and face-punches and not much else. And all of the fight scenes are shot and edited in that lame American style where it's all rapid cuts from one person punching to the other person blocking and then back again, because none of the actors have the ability to perform a properly choreographed fight.
And I'm pretty certain I saw the same actors playing different parts wearing different wigs. And it's surprising I even managed to notice that what with the boom mic dropping into view and distracting me all the time (I honestly saw that damn mic on at least four separate occasions). There are also problems with the audio, in some places the music peaks out and distorts horribly.

The story is completely disjointed and makes almost no sense and I'm trying to figure out if there are an ass-load of key scenes missing or if the filmmakers just didn't give a shit about having a coherent story. I'm betting on the latter. On the plus side all of the women inexplicably throwing themselves at 'The Dragon' throughout the film make for some entertaining softcore scenes, like the wet t-shirt scene (above) and not one but two scenes where Tane McClure lets her ample sweater puppies loose. Jillian Kesner (FIRECRACKER) is a nice addition too although she doesn't get anywhere enough screen time. In any case the boobs and sweating and moaning don't even come close to making up for all of the bad points and so I'm relegating this chop-socky disaster to the shit list.

THE LAST BORDER (1993) Review

TODAY'S BARGAIN: THE LAST BORDER (1993) - Standalone DVD
PRICE: $2

Directed by: Mika Kaurismaki
Written by: Mika Kaurismaki, Alexandra Deman, Pia Tikka
Starring: Jurgen Prochnow, Jolyon Baker, Fanny Bastien

THE LAST BORDER has a pretty gnarly looking cover, almost like a throwback to those brilliant trashy Italian post-apocalyptic flicks that were popping up all over the place in the 80s (seriously go look them up there's some sweet shit out there, even Lucio Fulci tried his hand at one). Except it turns out that this film is actually from the 90s and comes from Finland of all places. Is that a good sign? Maybe it gives a fresh perspective on the genre. Or maybe it's just going to suck a huge dick. Read on to find out.
It's the far flung future of 2009 somewhere in the Arctic Circle. The world has been cleansed by nuclear war and as you'd expect the wastelands are ruled by violent motorcycle gangs. Guerilla fugitive Jake (Baker) is on the run when he comes across one of the aforementioned gangs fronted by the fearless leader Duke (Prochnow). He has a slow-motion flashback attack and realizes that Duke killed his father. Revenge time motherfucker.
Oh and there's also the obligatory romance subplot between Jake and the escaped female prisoner Doaiva (Bastien).

THE LAST BORDER carries all of the hallmarks of those classic Italian dystopian films, except that it takes place in Scandinavia with (mostly) Scandinavian actors and its soundtrack seems to be comprised primarily of Finnish heavy metal. Bizarrely this all kind of works to an extent it's just a shame that the film is too long, too slow and too boring. The running time (around 105 minutes) could easily have been cut down and streamlined into something much smoother and the entire middle section probably should have been left out especially the whole relationship between Jake and Doaiva which didn't really go anywhere (a little bit of boobage would have helped immensely). But the worst part was definitely the fact that the inevitable showdown between Jake and Duke (the only thing that really kept me watching through to the end) was a serious anticlimax and could have (and should have) been a lot more action-packed and badass.

But it's not all bad news and the film does have a decent amount of interesting elements to make it at least a little interesting. First is the landscape which isn't your usual post-apocalyptic city ruins or nuclear dustbowl, it's a more barren, cold and earthy environment. The soundtrack is another point of difference as well, instead of the grooving synth and electronica I'm used to hearing in films such as this it's predominantly heavy metal which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.
The things that really hold the movie back are the pacing, the awkward dialogue (I'm certain English isn't the first language of a lot of the actors) and the lack of some really great solid action. Duke's gang are supposedly the most feared group in the wasteland so I was expecting some really depraved shit from them but apart from shooting a couple of people nothing really happened. On the bright side Jurgen Prochnow makes a decent badass, it's a pity he was so underutilized.
THE LAST BORDER isn't great but it certainly is interesting. If you're like me and you dig any kind of post-apocalyptic trash then you should probably check it out, I'll bet you've never seen anything quite like it before.